Second Thoughts

I can’t seem to shake the thoughts of death this week. For one thing, I just finished reading Allegiant. No spoilers, but yeah….death. All I’m saying. More seriously than that, I heard news this week of a boy who committed suicide. I don’t know him. I don’t know his family. They are friends of a friend of a friend. But I still feel bad for them. They are reeling right now….I cannot begin to imagine their pain.

And I wonder about the boy. He wasn’t much younger than I am, actually. He ran his car off a cliff. It was an instant death. But I wonder. In the moment after he made that choice, the moment when he couldn’t stop it, did he regret it? Did he have one panicked moment of clarity?

I have been tempted before…experienced brief moments of insane desire to jump in front of a car, run my car off a bridge, jump off a cliff. Obviously, I never have…..but it scares me. If I obeyed that split-second urge, I could never change that choice. Death is terrifyingly permanent. Maybe that’s why people do drugs…is it just a less permanent option than death?

I know that I would regret it. I know that I do not ever want to kill myself. But it scares me that for one moment, I might want it enough to make an unchangeable choice. I grieve for this boy’s family….I grieve for him, the moment he felt like he had to make that choice.

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